I still miss you from time to time. I think about what could’ve and would’ve been. You were only in my life for such a short time but I loved you more then you know. More than I knew. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone you’ve never met. Not until we lost you.
I came across your picture the other day, the one the ultrasound tech asked if I wanted. It took my breath away. It took me totally off guard. I thought we had thrown it away. I’m glad we didn’t. I was actually able to look at it without crying but it still felt like a knife through the chest. I know that you are much happier where you are but I still miss you. I wonder what you would look like. Would you have my hair? Your daddy’s eyes? When you laugh, would you crinkle that sweet little nose like your sister and brother?
I ask God to snuggle with you for me. To kiss your sweet little toes and nose. I wonder if you’ve meet your brother or sister (it was to early to tell for them as well). Two angels I have in heaven now. Two here with me. I would say that if I could wish you back I would but how selfish would that be. You never knew pain, heartbreak, or evil. Only happiness, love, and true life and joy! Mamma loves you my sweet precious little ones. More than you know…
More than I knew.
It is so hard to talk about. It’s hard to be in such a vulnerable place as this. So many women feel that they have to carry this cross alone. You don’t! Each mother (and father) deals with the pain of losing a child differently no matter how early or late in a pregnancy. If you have never experienced the loss of a child, I truly, with all my heart pray you never do, never will, never have to go through the pain. Before my own losses it was hard to fully understand and even harder to know what to say. A good friend of mine wrote me a note that simply said “it just sucks”. That was exactly how I was feeling in that particular moment. Those were the words I needed to hear at that time. I felt the freedom to be angry and disappointed.
Sometimes no words are necessary. Sometimes all that is needed is a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
If you have gone through this or are going through this. You are not alone. There is a God who knows the pain of a child dying. He loves you more than you know. We will never “get over” this pain but we can heal from the wound that cuts so deep. Healing comes in many forms. Faith, counseling, sometimes the birth of another child, but always with time.
Psalm 90:12 ESV
So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.