Category Archives: Relationships

Feb19

Wuv, Mawage, & Babies

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“Mawage.  Mawage is wot brings us togeder today.  Mawage, that blessed awangement, that dream wifin a dream….”
“And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva….”
The Impressive Clergyman, The Princess Bride (1987)

 One of the greatest movies of all time (in my opinion) depicts such a heroic pursuit of tru wuv.  I really think there should be a sequel about Westley and Buttercup raising a family.  Now there’s another great opportunity for some heroism!  As I eluded to in another post, K & S Sittin’ in a Tree, marriage is a lot different when a baby comes along.

It’s much harder.

It’s more confusing.

It’s more frustrating.

And it can be one of the most exciting adventures, ever!

My Hero and I have been married for 6 and a half years, parents for almost 2 of those years, and he will readily admit that the most difficult time in our marriage was the first few months after our son was born.

Communication is different.

Expectations are different.

I let my new identity as a mother overcome my other roles, even that of being My Hero’s bride.

And he suffered.  Quietly.  Patiently.  And I hurt.  Clueless as to how I could be everything for everybody.

But one of the most amazing answers to our prayers last year was going to the Love and Respect conference together…….twice!

I went into the conferences ready to learn applicable solutions to what both of us could do to fix our struggles.  But what I actually came out with was something more powerful: a new perspective.

Dr. Emerson used Scripture, research, and personal insight to give me a better understanding of my husband and of myself.  As a man, My Hero is going to perceive things differently than me, communicate things differently than me, and altogether have different needs to feel loved and respected.  It was also enlightening to listen, and begin to understand why I do certain things and feel certain ways.  It was like a light was turned on.  And we could see each other and our marriage, a little more clearly in this new arena of parenthood.

It’s not that all of our misunderstandings have suddenly disappeared.  Daily, we have to trust the Lord to guide us to a place of understanding as we humble ourselves.  But contrary to what I expected to learn as a solution,  we didn’t need steps 1, 2, and 3 of what to do.  What we needed was a new perspective, of ourselves, and of each other.

Now, standing on the edge of becoming parents to another precious baby, we are speculating on ways that we can make our marriage a priority through one child’s infancy and another child’s toddlerhood.

While somedays I wish there was a formula or checklist of actions to do to reach this goal, I believe that it’s this new perspective of myself and of my husband that will lead to a strong marriage through the adventures of parenting.  As we understand each others’ deepest needs, the actions will fall into place.

I don’t expect that we’ll ever have it all figured out.

It’s a journey.

It’s an adventure.

Together, My Hero and I are learning to understand each other more and love each other more deeply.

joy: ”So tweasure your wuv.” (The Princess Bride, 1987)

Oct30

The Hardest Way to Love On My Son: Discipline

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Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

I just LOVE loving on my boy.  The hugging and kissing and cuddling and playing and bragging on him is just plain ole FUN!  When the giggles and smiles abound, it’s pretty easy (and inescapable) to love on him by giggling and smiling back!  But when defiance or disobedience arise, it would be easier to just ignore it, dwell on his cuteness, and move on hoping that the unwanted behavior will just dissipate.  However, the truth is that the way I can really love on my son when he shows disobediance, is to identify it, and meet it with discipline.

Whether you call it behavior management, discipline, consequences, or even punishment, this stuff is an inevitable part of parenting.  It’s probably one of the most controversial topics among parents.  And I don’t know about you, but I avoid talking about our routines at home for fear of sounding too strict or too lenient, depending on who’s listening and what their opinions are.

Before our son was born, my husband and I talked about our expectations for him and how we would respond in different situations.  I felt pretty confident about following through with consequences, if necessary.  I mean, I taught 3rd grade and dealt with that stuff all the time.  I didn’t fear hurting my son’s feelings, because I knew that the standards I would hold him to, were ultimately for his own well-being.

It turns out, I am having a hard time after all with following through on these expectations consistently.  But it’s not because I’m afraid of hurting his feelings.  It’s because I’m tired.  Tired of saying, “No”, or “Don’t touch that”.  And most of the time, I’d rather complete what I’m doing than to make him sit in time-out for disobeying.  (Oops, I just told you part of our routine.  Please don’t judge me!)

So when I’m feeling tired of reinforcing the behavior that we expect from our son, I need to remind myself of the why’s behind it all.

  1. Many of the “rules” we set are there to protect him from danger or harm.
  2. As we stick to a routine to reinforce good behavior and (in some form) punish disobedience, we are giving our son a memory that “Mommy and Daddy mean what they say, and I’ll be better off to obey them the first time”.
  3. Children have boundaries.  And I believe that it’s helpful to them when the adults in their lives make those boundaries clear.  Even if they act upset about the boundaries, I truly believe that they actually appreciate knowing what they are.
  4. As we teach him about respect, he will learn to show respect to other authority figures in his life as well as friends, family and future relationships.
  5. As our son develops a habit of obedience, grows in full knowledge of our expectations and our consistency with following through, I’m hoping that it will make the pre-teen and teenage years that much easier.
  6. Through external discipline, I hope that our son develops internal self-discipline, which is a vital character trait to become successful and joyful in life.  In other words, I hope that he develops self-discipline to foster the gifts and talents that God has given him.
  7. My favorite reminder for nurturing respect and obedience in my son, is that it is ultimately strengthening his ability to respect and obey our Lord!
All of this isn’t only about my son’s obedience.  It’s also about my husband and me obeying the Lord in the ways that we train the child He’s entrusted to us.  And the funny thing is, it’s requiring more self-discipline from me, than from my child!
Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding. Proverbs 15:32
joy: Anticipating the great things the Lord has in store when I obey Him!

Oct20

Conquering Resentment

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We’ve all been offended.
We’ve all been let down by someone else.

Maybe it was just a matter of misunderstanding.
Or maybe there was complete understanding
yet differing opinions became grudges.

Maybe lack of communication festered unwarranted assumptions.

It’s always easier (and self-indulging)
to find blame in anyone (or perhaps everyone)
outside of self.

Yet God calls us to love like He loves.
Despite offenses, no matter how legit they are.
Despite misunderstandings, miscommunication, and grudges.
We are called to love.

We’re not called to prove that we’re right.
Not called to showcase how someone has hurt us.
We are called to love.

Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble.
But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness;
he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.
1 John 2:10-11

This is another one of those passages that seem extreme to me.
(But it is the Word of God, and it is true.)
I wouldn’t say that I hate someone else.
But maybe I feel less than love from time to time,
when my pride gets the better of me.

And this verse makes it sound like God sees either love or hate in our hearts for others.
So I’m convicted about the less than love times.

I want to be in the light, not the darkness!

So how do we tackle the less than love moments?
I’d love to hear your ideas!

Here are a couple of mine:

  • I believe that each word we speak with our mouths, dictates to our hearts on what to focus on.  The more that we talk about the offense and about the offender negatively, the more the hurt will grow in our hearts and become the focus of our minds.  So limiting how often we talk about it, being picky about whom we confide in, and approaching the topic with a humble heart will help to overcome the hurt.
  • Pray for the person.  As we ask for God’s favor in that person’s life, we begin to actually want it for them, and begin to forget why we were upset.
This is my command:  Love each other.
John 15:17
joy:  While holding onto grudges and hurt feelings can be crippling, we can overcome with God’s love and have renewed joy!