Category Archives: Motherhood

May21

Comfort vs. Character

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A series about entitlement on Pass the Bread got me thinking.

I don’t believe that we would intentionally choose to overindulge our children, but it can creep in.
I don’t think that we would  purposefully decide to let our kids feel entitled to things that they really haven’t earned, but it happens.
And sometimes it can be difficult to differentiate the best way to love them when there’s an opportunity for character development through discomfort.

Although there are many different circumstances that influence parenting, I believe that one of the biggest factors that feeds into entitlement in our culture is the glorification of comfort.  Actually, even in our adult lives, when we value comfort more than character development, we will feel more entitled to things that we haven’t actually earned.

For example, last night our Little Man gave us another opportunity to choose between comfort and character development.

Little Man: “Daddy, can I have a cookie?”IMG_3051
Daddy: “No.”
Little Man: “Mommy, can I have a cooke?”
Me:  ”What did Daddy say?”
Little Man:  ”He said ‘yes’.”
Daddy:  ”Nolan, you were not honest.  So you definitely do not get a cookie.”

It would’ve made him “comfortable” to get the treat that he wanted.  And it would’ve made me “comfortable” to give him the cookie so he would stop crying about it!  But my husband reminded me that this was an opportunity for character development.  In this scenario, I hope that our Little Man learned that we value HONESTY!

Another time, Little Man gave us an opportunity to show him that we value patience. While shopping at Target a couple weeks before his birthday, he saw rescue claw that he’d wanted for a long time.  So I tried to secretly put it in the basket to save for his birthday.
But he knew it was there.
And he knew that I bought it.
And he knew that it was at home.
But he also knew, that it was for his birthday.
So almost everyday leading up to his 3rd birthday, he’d ask, “Can I have the claw now?”
And each time, I’d respond, “Nope, it’s for your birthday.”

That claw was a fairly inexpensive toy.  It would’ve made him feel “comfortable” if I gave it to him early.  It would’ve made me feel “comfortable” to get him to stop asking about it!  But I’m hoping that in those 2 weeks (which probably felt like 2 months to him), he learned that PATIENCE is important to me.

We can’t really expect our kids to value things like patience, honesty, generosity, and kindness until they consistently see that we value them ourselves, anyways!

Everyday I have multiple opportunities to choose between comfort and character development for myself.

And everyday, my kids present multiple opportunities to show them that I value character development more than comfort.

It’s tough, and it’s usually not very clear that I’m basically deciding between these two things.  So entitlement and indulgence can stealthily creep in.

But my hope is that through the times when I show my kids love through quality time, words of affirmation, and bear hugs, they will have a secure bond in my love for them and God’s love for them, and be able to trust that the times when I choose character development over comfort for them, it’s really out of love.

May1

Invisible Work

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Nolan pushing Micah on swing

Growing up as a babysitter, working as a camp counselor, being a Sunday school teacher, and a 3rd grade school teacher, I’ve always been fascinated by child development and excited about the incredible window of opportunity that childhood offers!

Kids have always been important to me.  But now that I know two little boys who call me “Mommy”, I have a new capacity for love AND a greater amount of pressure to nurture these kids than ever before!

To see the brightest grin and wiggly arms and legs when I walk into the room,
To hear the “I wuv you”’s and unexpected tackles,
To receive slobbery, toothless bites on my chin and gentle forehead nuzzels,
To be the chosen audience for any little thing, “Mommy, watch this!”, “Mommy, look at this!”
All these things and infinite more just make my pores ooze with gratefulness to be somebody’s “Mommy”!

But let’s be real.  Although I’ve worked with kids for a long time, they’ve never brought me to the level of exhaustion, frustration, and disgust over bodily fluids that I’ve experienced  in the last few years of being a “Mommy”.  Just as I felt an incredible responsibility as a babysitter and teacher to make the most of every opportunity, I carry that much more sense of urgency in the lives of my own children!

Childhood is a time that can seem to take forever on an especially rough day, yet weeks and months can fly by in the blink of an eye.
Childhood is a time when little people collect experiences and create habits that will most likely shape who they are as adults.
It’s a time when their world views are being formed and hearts are being fashioned.

Being “Mommy” means stepping into the most influential role in the childhood of these two special people!
It’s a role that I feel unworthy to take on.
It’s a burden that can become unbearable, especially when one is screaming and the other is whining.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to lead these little men into developing admirable character when there’s poop in the Buzz Lightyear underwear and vomit in my hair!  It’s exciting and pleasant to talk about raising children who love others, act peacefully, and stand strong for the values that we believe in.  Yet it’s truly the nitty-gritty work to live it out each day, being aware of the learning opportunities, and modeling love and peace in the moments of each day.

Thankfully, it’s not up to me to develop my children into who they are called to be.  That’s the Lord’s job!  And I can only trust Him and obey Him in the ways that He’s called me to nurture these boys!

I’m learning that teaching my children is actually requiring more self-discipline from myself than I ever expected!

Because the real work is invisible.

It would be easier to find ways to make them do kind actions, but the real work is in guiding their hearts into kindness.
It would be easier to manipulate them to say the “right things”, but the real work would be raising kids who know the Truth deep in their hearts.
It would be easier to bribe them to obey, especially when people are watching, but the real work is in teaching the value of obedience.

I don’t really care if my children say the “right things” and do the “right things” if their hearts are not pure.
Nice manners and kind actions mean nothing to me if their hearts are filled with anger and resentment.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
I know that the nurturing of their hearts is far more important than manners, learning numbers or abc’s, or even potty training.

As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that they will know that they are loved, cherished, and heard.
As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that they will develop love and compassion.
As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that I will take greater care to nurture my own heart, too.

Like a camera zooming in to focus on the most important piece of a picture, I need to let my perspective focus in on their hearts, seeing them more and more clearly.  And less important things- like signing them up for lots of “activities”, waiting for the next developmental milestone, or even just cleaning the house- would fade out of focus.

Because as I value their hearts more than what they can do, I can have more patience, and I’ll be more capable of showing them God’s unconditional love.  As I value their hearts, maybe I can realize a little more each day, that God also values my heart, more than what I can do!

These children, the Lord has entrusted to my husband and me are priceless treasures that are going to change the world!  Each day and each moment, is an opportunity for them to grow into the godly men that the Lord has planned for them to be!  If it were up to me to shape them into these world-changing men, I would be crippled with fear and weighed down with such a daunting burden.  And to be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what the Lord has planned for them anyway!

Instead, I can embrace freedom in the knowledge that God alone can mold them into the individuals that He created them to be!  And I can trust that He’ll continue forming me, into the person He’s created me to be, too!

Feb13

“You Can’t Be in a Hurry”

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625d2f5859f311e2b09522000a1f9363_5It was about this time last year that I received some good advice that has helped me in my journey of counting joys.  As a pregnant Mama to an active, almost-2-year-old boy, I’d ask any other moms that I came across, “How do you do it?  How do you manage everything with more kids?”

That was my concern, because I like to finish what I start.  And I like to fully commit to my tasks.  With my busy Little Man, and playful puppy, it already felt challenging to balance quality time with my husband, our son, and then having my hands free for enough moments to finish cleaning, plan a tutoring lesson, work on our house search, or prepare for my preschool class.  I wondered how that balancing act would look when there would be two boys, a toddler and a baby.

“How do you do it?”  I’d freely ask other moms who were a couple steps ahead of me.  And the answer that has stuck with me the most has given me the most peace when I need to be reminded of what’s really important.

“You can’t be in a hurry.”

That’s exactly what I needed to hear.
Because when I’m in a hurry, interruptions aren’t important.  Sticking to a plan is.
When I’m in a hurry, the clock becomes my idol.  And that might require sacrificing a peaceful attitude.

I definitely think it’s important to honor time commitments that have been made to other people.  But as much as it’s in my control, I want the people who are in my life in each moment to know that they are more important than any personal agendas that I have.

As a Mommy to two little boys, I definitely find more joy in loving them than in accomplishing whatever plans I’ve set out for the day.  In fact, my most important plan each day is to love people!

And I want that to be evident by being peaceful instead of losing my temper, because I know that their noise and energy is a gift.

I want it to be evident when I don’t worry about being late after changing our Buddy’s clothes 3 times because he kept spitting up on them.

I want it to be evident when I cheer on our Little Man when he slowly, slowly climbs and scoots down the hand rails on our way out of church.

Being a Mommy to two sweet boys has changed my perspective on time management.  Every morning I must remind myself that it’s more important to have a peaceful, loving attitude than to be in a hurry.  Because at the end of the day, I’d rather rejoice in the memories I made with my boys, even if they started out as interruptions, than in getting somewhere on time.

joy:  My newfound freedom in not hurrying.

Sep26

And Then There Were Two

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The time has arrived:  I’ve been “Mommy” to 2 fabulous boys for almost 3 months now!

After spending several pregnant months wondering what it would be like to be in this position, now I can’t imagine it being any different!  And now that Baby Brother is almost 3 months old, and falling into somewhat of a routine, I feel like a real person again!  Hello sleep and the outside world!

Leading up to Baby Brother’s birth, the thing that I was most anxious about was Little Man’s favorite hobby:  Being in the Middle of Anything and Everything that Mommy is Doing.  I wondered if he would just lose his mind and consequently drive me absolutely crazy when my focus had to be taking care of Baby Brother almost constantly for the first couple of months!

It’s with a thankful heart and lots of joy that I can say: no one has (completely) lost their mind and no one has gone (totally) crazy!  I truly feel like the Lord blessed us in many ways, and I’m happy to report these unexpected blessings that have helped me transition into being a Mommy of 2 a little more smoothly than I expected!

  1. Extra Long Naps.  While Little Man normally naps about 1.5-2 hours, the first month that Baby Brother was home, he actually napped for 3 hours, and sometimes more!  We’re back to the normal length of naps, but that was the perfect time to have my toddler sleeping extra long.  Thank you, Lord!
  2. Imagination.  One afternoon, while my mom was here, she introduced Little Man to the world of imagination!  Together they wheeled our cooler around the house, stopping to knock at each door, selling “ice-cream” to the “neighbors”.  Ever since then, his imagination has expanded daily!  Whether he’s driving a “truck” on our bed or chasing a “train” in the front yard, I’m so thankful for all the fun he has, even when I can’t be completely involved.
  3. Playing with Toys.  This is actually a BIG deal to me.  You see, my older son has never actually been very interested in playing with toys at home!  Unless another child is playing with them, of course.  So as I’ve been feeding, changing, and rocking Baby Brother, he has to my surprise begun playing with his toys.  On His Own!  Thank you, Lord!
  4. Abby, the Imaginary Friend.  This summer, before Baby Brother was born, we spent time with some friends and their niece, Abby.  Apparently, she left a big impression on Little Man.  He still talks to her often!  Sometimes he carries her around like a baby.  Sometimes she’s too big to sit in the baby’s swing.  Sometimes she’s fallen, and he helps her.  But she’s always available to be his pal anywhere!
  5. Duke, the Dog.  When we got our puppy about a year ago, it was really like having an extra baby in the house!  While he often has spurts of crazy-puppy-energy, Duke is mostly a well-trained friend.  Little Man helps feed him, let him out, and gives him the greatest hugs!  I often have to pull them apart, like rowdy brothers.  But maybe that’s a good thing!

    I’m gradually able to give Little Man more focused time again, and I’m excited about that!  Yet while he holds onto this newly found imagination and independence, his capacity for joy is increasing!  I’m cherishing these sweet, precious moments with Baby Brother.  But I also look forward to the day when these two will play together!

    joy:  Maybe this new shift of focus onto Baby Brother, has actually given Little Man the space he needed to develop his imagination!

Jul23

Childbirth and Skydiving

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There’s something about childbirth that’s like sky-diving.
Well, I’ve never actually parachuted from a plane, but I’d imagine that the adventure encompasses emotions of fear, excitement, doubt, and joy!

As we approached the birth of our 2nd baby, I actually began looking forward to the adventure of labor and delivery.  The day he would be born- the weather, the circumstances, the timing, and everything that day- would become part of his birth story!  Our sweet Micah made his grand debut at 4:30am, Monday, July 2, 2012, and I definitely experienced all of those “sky-diving” emotions- fear, excitement, doubt, and joy.

Depending on what’s considered “labor”, this could’ve been an extremely long or a considerably short one.  I began feeling contractions on and off the Thursday before.  Then Sunday afternoon, they became more regular, about 15 minutes apart.  We were watching a Tyler Perry movie,  and I was rocking around on the exercise ball, hoping to get things going.  Who knew Madea could onset labor?!  Soon they were 8-10 minutes apart.

Some friends came over for the evening to play with Nolan just in case we had to book it to the hospital before my mom got in.  Although the contractions actually seemed to slow down, I was thankful for a toddler-free nap!  But when I got up, and back on the exercise ball, the contractions became a little more intense, every 8 minutes.  So my Hero, ready to take care of me, called my mom to come stay with our Little Man for the night.  It was looking like this would be the night!

Excitement: After 9 months of having this child growing inside me, I was more than ready to see his face and hold him in my arms!  This dream could be coming true this very night!

Fear:  From what I know and remember, labor and delivery is very intense and unpredictable!  Wondering about how smoothly this would go, I was aware that complications are always a possibility and pain is inevitable.

We went to bed around 10pm, knowing that we would need as much rest as we could get with the likely possibility that we’d be going to the hospital in the night!  With each contraction, I woke up, and timed it with an app on my phone.  (Yes, there really IS an app for everything!)

Around 1:30am, the contractions were 4-5 minutes apart and very intense.  Pounding my husband’s back, I gave him the not-so-vague cue: “We need to go to the hospital NOW!”  We scampered around to get shoes and luggage.  At one point I was crawling on my hands and knees out of the closet, determined to get things ready during a contraction.

Just like my last birth, I was planning to use the (husband coached) Bradley Method to help me make it through.  My amazing husband began his job in the car ride, coaching me in relaxation with each contraction.  By 2:15am, we were checked into a room, and I was in a lovely hospital gown, answering random medical questions, and experiencing contractions that were growing stronger and stronger.

At the initial exam, I was 1 cm dilated and 90% effaced.  NOT very encouraging since I expected the irregular contractions that started 4 days earlier to have been more effective.  However I was checked 1 hour later: 5 cm!  Whew!  These unbearable contractions really ARE doing something!  And 1 hour after that: 8-9 cm with urges to push!

Doubt: When labor became really serious and uncomfortable, I changed my mind and wanted to get out of being in labor, get out of being pregnant.  With each contraction, I wanted to get out of my skin!  But my amazing husband would make eye contact with me, help me to focus, and as I relaxed, it wasn’t unbearable anymore.  (It’s amazing how much focus it takes to simply relax during labor!)

“She says she has to push!” he called out to the nurses.  They paged the doctor, and it seemed that instantly everything was set up for delivery, even a bed for the baby in the corner of the room!

Since our first son’s birth took about 10 hours after being checked into the hospital, I was thrilled about getting to the “pushing” only 2 hours after arrival!  That excitement along with my handsome birth-coach helped me remain hopeful through the fierce contractions!

Once the doctor “allowed” me to start pushing, I waited for the first contraction and pushed, not quite as hard as I could have.  In between contractions, I rested and looked at the doctor and all the nurses in the room, anxiously waiting.  With the 2nd contraction, he was already crowning!  Even though he was so close to being born, I waited for the next contraction to do anything.  It seemed like the longest pause I’ve ever experienced!  Finally, with the 3rd contraction and jaw-clenched push, sweet Micah Robert was born!

Joy:  I can hardly believe that this precious child is ours!  The Lord has entrusted this incredible gift into our family!  I’m in awe of our Creator’s design and humbled to be this child’s Mommy.

Jun27

“Both Hands”, Serving a Widow and an Orphan

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“Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress…” ~James 1:27

We’re probably all familiar with the special call that the Lord gives us to care for orphans and widows.  But it might seem like a vague, distant notion.
Even if I knew someone who was a widow, what could I possibly do to help her?
And I’ve been on mission trips before, but how could I care for an orphan today?

Recently some of my dear friends, Stacy and Rodney, introduced me to this ministry, “Both Hands”, whose mission is to serve a widow and an orphan through a unique project.  I’m so excited for them as I pray for the child that the Lord has planned to bring into their family!  And it just happens that adoption comes with multiple expenses that accumulate through the process of bringing home a child who needs a family.

One of the ways which they’re seeking to provide financially for their adoption has turned out to be an incredible service opportunity for a young widow in our community!

Last Saturday, many volunteers came to Wendy’s home.  (Nolan and I cheered them on while Solomon worked hard trimming the landscaping.)  It was amazing to watch everyone serve through multiple projects around the house:
car washing & detailing,
tearing down an old porch,
painting the porch trim & front siding,
painting mailbox,
trimming and tearing out overgrown bushes,
moving compost bin & woodpile,
and even shaping up the landscaping of a widow across the street!

Next Saturday, volunteers will return to build a much-needed, new back porch for her home!

Whether you were physically serving at this home last week or not, you can be a sponsor!  By sponsoring this project, you can respond to the call to care for widows and orphans!

I encourage you to check out Rodney and Stacy’s Project Page to see how you can be a sponsor.

joy:  Solomon’s “Wonder Years” moment in the video!
(You can see it on their project page.)

 



Jun21

1 boy + 1 boy = my 2 kids

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We’re in the waiting zone now!
Less than 2 weeks before the due date, July 4th.
He would be full-term and healthy being born any day now.
I’m getting more uncomfortable and anxious to meet this little dude!
It’s time.  Come on little guy!

During a lot of this pregnancy, I’ve been busy and rarely stopped to think about the fact that I’ll be “Mommy” to two boys soon.  When I did,  it was overwhelming!  My analytical tendencies surfaced as I contemplated how I would logistically make it through each day.  Between meals, diapers, errands, laundry, even just getting in and out of the car.  How does this all work?

I know that many many mamas do it all the time, and with even more children!  But how?!  One mother of 3 mentioned in conversation that “You just can’t be in a hurry.”  I’ve already begun to take her advice this summer.  As unexpected moods and situations arise from my Little Man, I’m not annoyed quite so much about postponing my plans.

But the greatest change in my perspective has come from seeing these 2 boys (one of which I’m anxiously waiting to meet) as unique individuals whom I have the privilege of discovering more about each day!

Rather than feeling like I have to figure how out a person would manage being “Mommy” to 2,
I’m going to focus on:

1 precious two-year old becoming a big brother, having a vocabulary that’s growing exponentially, taking care of the dog more everyday, becoming capable of even more games & physical activities, learning daily how to be a loving friend and a respectful son.

1 precious new baby, discovering the world, daily experiencing “firsts” of everything, being loved by a big brother, quickly growing, and receiving oodles of love through cuddles and kisses.  I can’t wait to see what he looks like and what kinds of expressions he’ll make!

When this baby brother is born, let’s see if I can let go of the pressure of being a perfect mother to 2, and just adoringly focus on 1 unique, individual toddler and 1 unique, individual new baby.

It’s not about the 2.
It’s about 1 + 1.

joy:  Nolan leaning into my belly to talk to his baby brother, “Hi Miyac!  Whey ooo!”  [Hi Micah, I love you.]

Jun8

Big, Red Bucket: Friday’s Little Thing, Big Joy

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I have a challenge to myself this summer.
To slow down more,
plan less.
And ultimately be fully present,
truly enjoying my family,
and absorbing each moment.
After this morning, I can see how this Friday’s “favorite thing” will help me do just that!

One of my newest favorite things, is this big, red bucket that I got from Target a couple weeks ago.
For one thing, I love containers!  This bucket has been handy to store some of our outdoor toys.  But the real reason that I got it, was so that Nolan and I could play in the water outside this summer!

Although we haven’t really looked for a place to go swimming this summer, I know that he would be just as happy, possibly more, just splashing around in a big bucket of water as being submerged in a pool.  I, for one, am totally okay with that since I’m not exactly ready to take this very pregnant body to a public pool.  And I’m not even sure how I would take a newborn baby to a pool where I’d have to help my toddler swim, too.

So this morning, we inaugurated our big, red bucket, into our summer fun!  First the bare-naked  (except a diaper) Little Man and Duke the dog ran through the yard and rolled around in the sand.  Then I attached our new hose to the faucet and had my thrill in spraying the giggly boy and filling up the bucket.  Finally, our tub-fun began!

It’s amazing how H2O in a container can become a toddler’s water park!  He splashed around, and I scooped up water in a bowl, throwing water on him as he shrilled and ran around!  Before coming in, Little Man sat in the bucket of water, then took a cat nap in my lap, wrapped up in a beach towel.

Pretty simple.
But lots of joy.
And that’s what it’s all about!

joy: Little Man fell asleep during lunch and is resting in bed more peacefully than I’ve seen in a long time!

Jun4

June is for Slowing Down

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The past several months had become pretty busy for me.

Teaching preschool.
Tutoring.
Babysitting.
Training a puppy (and a toddler).
Cleaning the house (almost) daily to have it ready for showings.
Selling our house.
Buying our house.
MOVING!
And then last month, I traveled every weekend.  And out of state a couple times.

Now it’s June.
School is out.
We’re in our new home.
I don’t have any trips planned at all.
Did I mention, our baby’s due date is in exactly one month from today?!

So my June calendar is looking a bit uncharacteristic of how it normally does.
BLANK!
Of course, each week, I end up having daily plans to get settled in our home a little more, get ready for the baby a little more, spend time with friends, and attempt to make it a fun summer for our Little Man.

But I’m also realizing that moving into this new phase of life- having our 2nd baby and relinquishing many of my former commitments,
that I’ll once again have to force myself to SLOW DOWN.

It actually takes more effort from myself to not plan an entire day from beginning to end.

Moving into this new phase of life, being Mommy to 2 little boys, I’m sure that busy days will come and go.
But as much as it’s in my control, my plan is to give these young guys slow, fun days at home or with friends, where they can just be kids.
Where they can explore, and take pleasure in the little things.
Where they can talk to Mommy, and know that they are heard.
Where they can be still and think, or run wild and sing.
Where they can learn to share and consider others.

I need a mental transition, starting this summer.
From planning each day to be as productive and as efficient as possible,
to realizing that a slow day with my boys could be the most purposeful and important accomplishment of all!

joy: June is for special, quality time with Little Man, before he becomes a big brother.

May3

Does this make me look pregnant?

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Countdown to due date: 8 weeks and 5 days.
And many of my maternity clothes are already getting to be too small!

It’s so hard to describe what it’s like to have a little baby moving around in my belly!  And my Little Micah is quite a mover!

Jerking

Poking

Pushing

Wobbling

Shifting

……all happening under the skin of my belly, and I have no control over it!  It’s the weirdest thing!  This amazing miracle of pregnancy leaves me astonished!  And I know that there’s a precious child growing in there.  But I still can’t get over how weird it is sometimes!

And the weirdest part,
is that this basketball-tummy,
this jostling, round extension of my middle,
has become normal to me!

When I look down, and see this round tummy blocking sight of my feet,
and I see my belly button has been turned inside-out,
and then a wave moves across my abdomen because a little person is shifting around,
I have to wonder,

How did this ever become normal?!

I’m so thankful that this (like my first pregnancy) has gone very smoothly, and I feel great!  So it almost comes as a shock to me when I walk past a mirror and catch a glimpse of my body!  It just looks so funny, and I almost forget how disproportionally round my tummy is!

In a few months, I’ll have a little baby to snuggle with, and I’ll look back at pictures of his prenatal home.  I’ll laugh at how crazy it all is!  And even though I’m not there, yet, I’ll still look at this baby’s prenatal home, and laugh!

joy: