Category Archives: Marriage

Feb19

Wuv, Mawage, & Babies

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“Mawage.  Mawage is wot brings us togeder today.  Mawage, that blessed awangement, that dream wifin a dream….”
“And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva….”
The Impressive Clergyman, The Princess Bride (1987)

 One of the greatest movies of all time (in my opinion) depicts such a heroic pursuit of tru wuv.  I really think there should be a sequel about Westley and Buttercup raising a family.  Now there’s another great opportunity for some heroism!  As I eluded to in another post, K & S Sittin’ in a Tree, marriage is a lot different when a baby comes along.

It’s much harder.

It’s more confusing.

It’s more frustrating.

And it can be one of the most exciting adventures, ever!

My Hero and I have been married for 6 and a half years, parents for almost 2 of those years, and he will readily admit that the most difficult time in our marriage was the first few months after our son was born.

Communication is different.

Expectations are different.

I let my new identity as a mother overcome my other roles, even that of being My Hero’s bride.

And he suffered.  Quietly.  Patiently.  And I hurt.  Clueless as to how I could be everything for everybody.

But one of the most amazing answers to our prayers last year was going to the Love and Respect conference together…….twice!

I went into the conferences ready to learn applicable solutions to what both of us could do to fix our struggles.  But what I actually came out with was something more powerful: a new perspective.

Dr. Emerson used Scripture, research, and personal insight to give me a better understanding of my husband and of myself.  As a man, My Hero is going to perceive things differently than me, communicate things differently than me, and altogether have different needs to feel loved and respected.  It was also enlightening to listen, and begin to understand why I do certain things and feel certain ways.  It was like a light was turned on.  And we could see each other and our marriage, a little more clearly in this new arena of parenthood.

It’s not that all of our misunderstandings have suddenly disappeared.  Daily, we have to trust the Lord to guide us to a place of understanding as we humble ourselves.  But contrary to what I expected to learn as a solution,  we didn’t need steps 1, 2, and 3 of what to do.  What we needed was a new perspective, of ourselves, and of each other.

Now, standing on the edge of becoming parents to another precious baby, we are speculating on ways that we can make our marriage a priority through one child’s infancy and another child’s toddlerhood.

While somedays I wish there was a formula or checklist of actions to do to reach this goal, I believe that it’s this new perspective of myself and of my husband that will lead to a strong marriage through the adventures of parenting.  As we understand each others’ deepest needs, the actions will fall into place.

I don’t expect that we’ll ever have it all figured out.

It’s a journey.

It’s an adventure.

Together, My Hero and I are learning to understand each other more and love each other more deeply.

joy: ”So tweasure your wuv.” (The Princess Bride, 1987)

Feb15

My Hero on Valentine’s Day

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This morning, I looked through a scrapbook that I’d made about the beginning of our relationship.  I was reminded that homemade cards and creative gift cards or notes have always been more special to us than elaborate gifts.

Before we even began dating, Solomon gave me a ticket that he had made.  It was a 2-way ticket to his home in Indiana.  And for a Christmas gift, he gave me another homemade gift card, good for a breakfast at the Pancake Pantry.  There were several others like a trip to the batting cages and a surprise concert in the country.

I remember making cards for him, too, but they didn’t make it to the scrapbook.  One of our favorite memorabilia is a giant green ball.  During one of our summers in college, still before we were dating, I wrote a note and some scripture around this ball with a sharpie, and mailed it from the post office.

Maybe that’s what made this Valentine’s day so special.  He did send me beautiful roses and bring home amazing chocolate truffles from The Cocoa Tree and dinner from Bricks Cafe.  But my favorite part of this Valentines day was the notes hidden all around the house!

On my phone
In my keychain
In the kitchen cabinet
In the computer
In the dishwasher
In the handle of the water filter

The little loving notes that surprised me all around the house reminded me of what a thoughtful, fun, and amazing man that I married!

Solomon, you’re my hero!  And I love you with all my heart!

joy:  Celebrating a big love in simple ways

Dec22

Hospitality at the Biltmore Estate

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This is our view of the back of the house from a horse drawn carriage.

So much is going on and Christmas is literally around the corner!  But I can’t wait any longer to share a little about our recent trip to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, NC!

At the beginning of December, Solomon took me to Asheville and we spent a long weekend on the estate.  It was the perfect time for us to retreat from our normal routine, reflect on 2011, and celebrate all that the Lord has done in our life!  Solomon works so, so hard, and I’m sure it feels like there’s no end in sight (which he wouldn’t want).  But we think that it’s important to reach a certain point, stop, celebrate, have fun, and return reenergized!  So that’s what we did!

Little Man stayed with my parents and got to see his first movie at the theater, The Muppets!  He had a blast!  And My Hero and I spent about 3 days on the Biltmore Estate.

It might sound boring, like we constantly toured the house for 3 days straight.  But the huge estate is full of lots of things to do like hiking, horseback riding, wine tasting, biking, and much more.  We didn’t do it all, so I guess we’ll have to go back!  But touring the house and learning about it’s history was absolutely fascinating to me!

As soon as we returned to pick up Nolan, I divulged into a history lesson about the Vanderbilt family, the origin of their mansion, and random facts we learned along the way.  I’ll spare you my rampant discourse, but I’d definitely recommend going there if you have the opportunity!

To sum it up, the most interesting quality that I discovered about the Vanderbilts and the Biltmore Estate was hospitality.  George Vanderbilt didn’t set out to build the largest house in the country, and it wasn’t intended to be an object of bragging rights.  He wanted to build a “little” house in the country where he could bring guests to retreat and enjoy themselves.  I guess somewhere along the way, he got overzealous, and it ended up actually becoming the largest house in the country.  But the heart of hospitality remains.

For example, Mrs. Vanderbilt would personally check on servants when they were sick and bring them soup.  She would also special order Christmas gifts for all of the servants’ children.  And if you were a guest at the Biltmore, a separate carriage would take your luggage on a different driveway, so it could be brought to your room and unpacked before you arrived!

Even as a guest at the Inn on Biltmore Estate, I felt welcomed and valued by the waiters, bus drivers, tour guides, and everyone else who worked there.  It really felt like a reflection of the care that the Vanderbilts originally showed their guests.

I was also thoroughly impressed with the ingenuity and thoughtfulness put into every detail of the home’s construction.  There’s too much to write here, but these are some of my favorites:

They had electricity more than 10 years before their town had it.  How?  They had their own generator downstairs.  And it is HUGE!

In the coal room downstairs, there is a real firehose ready to be put to use in case a fire ever breaks out.  (Which it never has.)

They have an indoor swimming pool with underwater lighting and a bowling alley!  (And this was in 1895!)

There is an electrical dumbwaiter and a manual one, just in case the power goes out.

Although the vegetation on the property had been destroyed by farming before Mr. Vanderbilt bought it, his landscape architect purposefully designed and planted trees, hills, ponds, lakes, and wildlife over the 125,000 acres.

I have to add just one more random fact.  At the end of each year, Mr. Vanderbilt would have his pastor over for dinner.  He would ask him to bring a note stating the amount of money that the church still needed at the end of the year, and leave it in his carriage.  When the pastor left, he would have a check for that amount in  the carriage where the note was.  I love it!

joy: Adventures and fun memories with my sweetheart!

Carriage ride at Biltmore

Sep27

Our First Date with the Babysit Exchange Club

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A few weeks ago we started a little routine that we’ve been thinking about since pregnancy!  Our own little Babysit Exchange Club.  (You can read about the idea on MamaModerne.com).  We have had many dates since Little Man was born.  But this was the first one that we took, just because!  No birthday, anniversary, special event, or anything.  Just the two of us ready for some time together.  Luckily, some of our friends were ready for the same thing and were willing to watch Nolan in exchange for us watching their son during their date the next week!

My Sweetheart and I went to Sunset Grill in Hillsboro Village.  On our first date (which was quite an adventure that I’ll have to write about another time), we had dessert there.  We’ve been curious about their other food, so he surprised me by taking us there.  We actually weren’t crazy about our entrees, but the experience was fun, and the creme brûlée was the best!

From there we took a stroll and walked around Belmont’s campus (our alma mater).  Solomon graduated in 2004 and I graduated in 2006.  Not long ago at all!  But every time we swing by, it looks completely different!  Each time we revisit, a new dorm popped up where there used to be a parking lot!  But the landscaping is just as prestige as ever.

More than noting differences, I reminisce about what it was like being a college student.  Only a few years ago, but a totally different lifestyle and mindset from where I am now!  Also, different landmarks around the campus remind me of milestones in our own relationship.

  • The same track is there, where we walked several laps before Solomon could choke out the word, “m-m-m-marriage” at a serious point in our relationship.
  • Heron Hall, the dorm where I lived my first two years, was around the corner.  In the second year, I was on the 3rd floor in an attic-style room.  I could look out a window from my bed that overlooked the parking lot that my  friend, Solomon, usually parked in.  I watched him and prayed for him.  (I’m not a creep, am I?!  I guess not since we got married after all!)
  • There is the courtyard with the anatomically-correct llama statue that was painted hot-pink at one time.  One day I walked through in between classes and thought I heard my name shouted amidst the crowd of other students.  From a fear of turning around to someone calling another person or no one calling at all and feeling foolish, I ignored it and walked on.  Later I found out that my new friend, Solomon, indeed had been calling out my name!  I’m glad he was still my friend after that!
We plan to keep this Babysit Exchange Club rolling!  We love family events and taking Little Man out.  But there’s just something special and necessary about dating in marriage!
joy:  Friends who are willing to babysit.
Sep23

Missing My Sweetheart

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I’ve come to the conclusion that my husband makes me a better person.
Yes, he makes me laugh and encourages me like no one else can.
Yes, I admire him and feel challenged to strive for excellence when I think about him.
But that’s not what I’m talking about right now.

The thing is, he’s away on business as I write,
and I feel like I’ve become a
gluttonous,
lazy,
pitiful,
slob.

Yesterday, my son and I came home from preschool around 3:00 in the afternoon.  Although my husband wouldn’t normally be home for another 4 and a half hours, I already felt like it was time to sulk.
So I had a mug full of chocolate, oreo frozen yogurt.
And then another one.
I didn’t unpack our bags, and I didn’t put them away.

Luckily I timed our evening activities out just right so that we weren’t too quiet and weren’t too still to realize how much we missed him!
Walk, bath time, dinner, clean-up, watch season premiers of The Middle and Modern Family, bedtime for Little Man, stay up later watching shows I’d never watch otherwise.  And since I couldn’t rationalize having a 3rd cup of froyo, I raided my secret stash of peanut M&M’s.
But we still missed him.

I’m also realizing that when my sweetheart is gone, I eat like a teenage boy
(or myself as a teenager).
I ate the leftovers from last night, and the night before, then I picked up fast-food for lunch today
(which I only do on special occasions).
And I know that I’ll be raiding the frozen yogurt again tonight.

The house is a wreck.  Well, that’s not unusual.  But I normally like to have it (mostly) picked up before I go to bed.
Who cares!

What has happened to me?
Normally, I’m reminding my husband to pick up his stuff
(or giving him a prosecuting, but loving of course, glare).
I just don’t feel like being responsible!

Sweetheart, come home soon!
I’m losing my type-A edge!
I need you!

joy:  When we’re apart, even if it’s only a couple days, I’m especially reminded of the reasons that I love him!

Sep19

Lessons Learned from the Golf Cart

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This weekend we were in Crossville with my family and for the first time ever, I tagged along with Solomon while he played golf.  I feel like I’ve been around golf all my life; my Dad has played as far back as I can remember.  And my sweet husband picked up the game about a year or two ago.  (I’m so proud of him!)  But I’ve never actually witnessed a real, live game.

My Dad was already in a tournament this weekend (which he WON!).  Solomon was still hoping to play, so it turned out to be the perfect opportunity for me to tag along.  (Thanks, Mom, for babysitting!)  It was a much needed time for the two of us, and fun for me to experience what’s really going on out there.

Since this was my 1st time on the golf course, I made a list of some of the things that I learned.

  1. The smaller the # on the club, the further it hits.
  2. There’s a lot more to golf than just whacking the ball (wind, hills, curves of the course, and I’m sure much more than I’m aware of).
  3. Inexpensive tracking devises for golf balls would be very useful.  Any inventor friends out there?
  4. If you’re going to say “Great Hit!“, you should really be paying attention.
  5. My husband really does have an app for everything!
  6. It’s okay to eat a candy bar at 9:30am when you’re on the golf course.
  7. At the 18th hole, players take off their hats and shake hands after every game.
  8. I like to drive golf carts.
  9. Solomon will let me drive the golf cart under one condition: Pedal to the Metal!
  10. If I don’t put the pedal to the metal, He Will!joy: The time spent with my Sweetheart felt like the times when we just began dating!
Sep14

When I Can’t Keep Up with the Messiness!

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Wouldn’t you know, I just wrote about cleaning floors and then I wrote about finding joy in everything, and now our puppy is getting big enough to really…….leave a mark on things!

The combination of curiosity and big paws in our pup is resulting in a torn up yard and a dirty house.  Even though I clean him off as he comes back in, dirt manages to stay wedged between the pads of his paws long enough to be deposited all around our house!

The rate at which Little Man rearranges our stuff and our puppy, Duke, tracks dirt in, is greater than the rate at which I can pick up the house and clean it!

Rate of messying(LM + D) > Cleaning(Me)!
(By the way, I really like algebra!  Sometimes I put my thoughts into algebraic equations!)

There’s a difference between having clutter spread around the house and having it actually be dirty.  I’ve got both going on!

I’m just being honest, I’m having a hard time finding the joy in this new trend.  I mean, do you know how annoying it is to feel dirt stick to my bare feet on the kitchen floor, in the morning, when I cleaned the floors the night before?!  How is that even possible?!

If I really let myself get completely concerned with trying to catch up with these two boys and keeping the house perfectly clean all the time, I really wouldn’t have time to do anything else.

I’d prefer to live in a perfectly clean house, but it isn’t worth it to sacrifice the joy in my day.  There are greater priorities in my life than living up to that standard of a spotless house.  And many times the desire to have a spotless house is driven by pride, being more concerned with any guests’ perception of our home…….and their perception of me.  However often times, I’m relieved when I visit a friend’s house, and it isn’t spotless!

It’s not that striving to keep our home clean and orderly isn’t important.  It’s just that I absolutely cannot let it even attempt to define my self-worth.  And I can’t let the shock and annoyance at how quickly it gets dirty again- get the best of me.

Actually, one of the ways that I try to make my husband feel loved and peaceful when he comes home from work, is to have the house picked up……at least mostly picked up.  I hope that he can find refuge and retreat in our house, leaving any stress or anxiety outside.

To make that happen, usually I’m running around the house with the boy on my hip, putting things back where they belong only a couple minutes before he gets home.  Even though it’s still dirty, he sometimes says, “I see you cleaned.  It looks great!”  That makes me feel pretty good, but I’m also reminded of what’s really important.

joy:  Maybe someone else will be relieved when they visit our home and notice that it’s NOT spotless!

Sep1

Promises

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I have never been one to make promises easily.
It’s not that I don’t value a commitment or an important contribution.
It’s just that I take promises seriously.
VERY seriously.
I REALLY don’t want to break a promise that I make.
And most of the time, something that might be linked with a promise is also linked with many, many outside factors.
Things beyond my control that could very easily prevent me from keeping my promise exactly.

I can’t promise that I’ll be there on time.  Who knows what traffic will be like!  But I’ll definitely try!
I can’t promise that I’ll  have the medical release forms completed by Tuesday.  That depends on the doctor’s office.  But I’ll be ready to pick it up when it’s ready!
I can’t promise that I’ll have supper ready when everyone is home.  Little Man might need a little extra one on one time.  But we’ll still eat!

Maybe I’m too cautious.  (Believe it or not, I have been accused of it before.)  But I’m okay with that as long as it doesn’t transform into worry.
I’m just aware of my surroundings.  Aware of the circumstances.  And aware of possibilities.

A few months ago, teaching Sunday school, I was reminded of my caution about promises.
Almost every week that I taught, the children consistently reminded me that they wanted to watch the video.
One particular Sunday, they were super eager about that video, and I was just trying to finish telling the Bible story.
So I, the one who very rarely uses the word “promise”, promised that we would see the video in just a minute.
Hoping that it would keep them from interrupting me more.
Alas, it turned out that there wasn’t a video ready that Sunday.
I wasn’t bothered about the video being unavailable.
But I was very bothered that I carelessly made a promise.

I want my promise, my word, to give itself it’s own validity.
No one should ever have to swear upon something to give it significance.
Can’t a person’s word and their dependability validate itself?
Actually, if someone feels the need to “swear on a mother’s grave” to show that a promise is trustworthy, I would be more likely to question their reliability.

“It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it” Ecclesiastes 5:5.
“Above all, my brothers, do not swear- not by heaven or by earth or by anything else.  Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no, or you will be condemned” James 5:12.  (Wow, I didn’t realize how extreme that verse in James was until now!)

I may not make promises often, but there is one that I will keep.
And I will repeat it as often as I can!

Mr. Solomon, I love you forever and always!  I promise!

joy: He promises to love me forever and always, too!  And I believe him!

Aug27

Beautiful Interruptions

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I love routines.
I love having a plan.
I love efficiency.

And my husband, my counter-balance, has been helping me to “take a break” and be a little more spontaneous……pretty much since the day we met!  In college, Solomon found that sometimes, the only way he could spend time with me, was to “study” with me.  Only about 30 seconds into a book, he’d say, “You need to take a break.”  You could say, we definitely balance each other!

On the first day of our honeymoon, I was ready to efficiently find out what there was to do in Lake Tahoe and make a plan for the rest of the week, so we wouldn’t miss out on anything.  That would be the logical thing to do, right?  But when I let him know my plan, he simply said, “Nah, I don’t think so.”  Trying to be a respectful, newly married wife, I just said, “Okayyyyyyy.”  And can you believe where that got us?!  Mountain biking around Lake Tahoe, a spontaneous trek to San Francisco, riding a tandem bike over the Golden Gate Bridge, running into Ikea, eating at amazing restaurants, and making adventurous memories together!  Six years later, I’m still learning to be more spontaneous!

Obviously, planning has its place.  And actually Solomon is now using his passion for helping people and his brilliant mind to help people through comprehensive economic advising with Peachtree Planning of Tennessee.  He works harder than anyone I know!  But his flare for spontaneity and fun is growing on me.

I’m enjoying the freedom I have as a SAHM, to fly by the schedule set by my son’s naps, meals, and my own interests and commitments.  Yet, it’s always flexible, depending upon priorities.  And the greatest priority that I can think of is people.  I’m learning that letting my personal agenda be replaced with the Lord’s agenda always involves people.  You can count on my planner being filled with chores, reminders, and goals for each day.  Tracking my mental “to do” list here, helps me to accomplish what I set out to do.  I love the feeling off checking tasks from my “to do” list.  But the most important goal for everyday, is to be available for people.  Even if it wasn’t planned.  Even if it interferes with the original plan.  People are the priority!

My summer morning routine involved,
Breakfast
Walk, with Little Man in the stroller and the puppy on a leash
Fill the watering can, and let the puppy take a drink while I brush his coat
Water the plants
Playpen time for Little Man
Nap/ shower
Lunch
Errands
Well, you get the point.  What can I say, I like schedules!  There was a particular week this summer that our routine was beautifully interrupted.  Each morning, two boys, their dad, and their dog, named Katie, crossed our path.  Drawn to our puppy, and accepted by Little Man, the boys adopted my boys into their hearts.  As we grew more acquainted, I learned that their mother would soon give birth to a baby girl, a little sister.  Each day that week, we’d cross paths.  I’d ask how their mom was doing, knowing she must be ready for the baby to come.  And I was delighted to hear the surprise in “big brother’s” voice, when I told him that I was praying for his mom, “You Are?!?!”

It’s so much easier to be available for people when I set my own schedule, and there aren’t added pressures.  The real challenge begins when there are expectations set by others, pressing deadlines, or enforced schedules.  Is it possible to be available for people when your free time is limited?  I believe that no matter how much time is shared between people, that the priority can be felt and sensed.

I was reminded of the importance of people and relationships upon hearing about a friend’s experience in a third world country.  She had an extended stay in a remote place, ate grubs, and had all kinds of crazy adventures.  But one of the most surprising experiences that she shared with me, was the way they honor people.  For example, if someone had a commitment, such as speaking at church, but a friend came by their home, they would stay with that friend and visit for hours, even if it meant skipping the commitment!  While I’d never want to skip out on an important commitment, I was encouraged to be more flexible with my own plans, to spend more time giving a friend my full attention!

I think it’s great to have plans and routines.  But what if each day, my planner included:
Be aware of the people around you.
Strike up a conversation and really listen.
Be physically available to help.
Be mentally available to pray.

Checking the chores off of my lists is rewarding.

But being available for people, just might be life-changing.

 

joy: Each time a friend makes me a priority and really listens.

Aug24

Making Memories

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I don’t want to close my eyes

I don’t want to fall asleep

Cause I’d miss you babe

And I don’t want to miss a thing

Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream will never do

I’d still miss you babe

And I don’t want to miss a thing

-Aerosmith

 

I admit, I really like that song!  And actually, it sufficiently describes how I feel about my family.  I’m not just concerned about missing something, but I don’t want to forget anything!  The time when I met Solomon in college.  The proposal and wedding.  Weekend adventures.  Seeing my sweet husband hold our son in his first days.  Witnessing his first smile.  Seeing Little Man take his first steps, pronouncing his first words, laughing hysterically with a deep-belly laugh.  The portable size of our puppy when we got him at 8 weeks old.  Little Man’s grand performances (in my opinion), dancing in the living room and playing the drums.  Roadtrips with my Solomon.  Everything, really!

Living with this ambition of finding joys in each day and moment can get overwhelming!  Almost everything feels like a milestone or event worth celebrating and remembering forever!  So I document as best as I can while keeping up with the day.  And by documenting, I mean taking pictures or videos, and daydream about what I WOULD write in a scrapbook.

I love how my mom has several photo albums of our family with normal photographs tucked into sleeves.  Digital photography has changed everything.  As convenient as it is to have the freedom to take hundreds of pictures knowing I can delete many, I actually agonize over each possibly, deletable candidate.  And as convenient as digital photography is, I miss having my pictures printed more often!

(Note to self: 1. Make a folder of pictures to print. 2. Order them at Walgreens. 3. Buy a photo album. 4. Put the pictures in the album.)

Maybe it would be okay if I actually took less pictures of each “event”, and spent more time enjoying it on the other side of the lens.  Maybe it would be okay if we printed out some pictures that were slightly imperfect, yet absolutely perfect, like in the “pre-digital” days.  And if hunting down a camera would result in my missing out on being fully present, then maybe I could just take a mental picture, and develop a habit of fully and completely enjoying those moments.

I’m such a “visual person”, so reminiscing through old pictures is one of my favorite things to do!  That gives me more motivation to capture current moments on film  memory cards.  Yet sometimes my ambition to catch it all gets in the way of simply enjoying the moment.  Personally, I need to focus less on my camera and feeling disappointed if I miss something, while continuing to take “just enough” pictures.

Perhaps taking less pictures, will actually make it easier for me to sort through files, and finally print.
Perhaps taking less pictures, will help me to be more fully present.
Perhaps taking less pictures, will make the ones that are taken to be more meaningful.
Perhaps less is more!

joy: the flood of sweet memories found in a picture

(And you should definitely check out Simply M Photography to capture some awesome photos for you!)