Category Archives: Communication

May1

Invisible Work

Posted on by
Standard

Nolan pushing Micah on swing

Growing up as a babysitter, working as a camp counselor, being a Sunday school teacher, and a 3rd grade school teacher, I’ve always been fascinated by child development and excited about the incredible window of opportunity that childhood offers!

Kids have always been important to me.  But now that I know two little boys who call me “Mommy”, I have a new capacity for love AND a greater amount of pressure to nurture these kids than ever before!

To see the brightest grin and wiggly arms and legs when I walk into the room,
To hear the “I wuv you”’s and unexpected tackles,
To receive slobbery, toothless bites on my chin and gentle forehead nuzzels,
To be the chosen audience for any little thing, “Mommy, watch this!”, “Mommy, look at this!”
All these things and infinite more just make my pores ooze with gratefulness to be somebody’s “Mommy”!

But let’s be real.  Although I’ve worked with kids for a long time, they’ve never brought me to the level of exhaustion, frustration, and disgust over bodily fluids that I’ve experienced  in the last few years of being a “Mommy”.  Just as I felt an incredible responsibility as a babysitter and teacher to make the most of every opportunity, I carry that much more sense of urgency in the lives of my own children!

Childhood is a time that can seem to take forever on an especially rough day, yet weeks and months can fly by in the blink of an eye.
Childhood is a time when little people collect experiences and create habits that will most likely shape who they are as adults.
It’s a time when their world views are being formed and hearts are being fashioned.

Being “Mommy” means stepping into the most influential role in the childhood of these two special people!
It’s a role that I feel unworthy to take on.
It’s a burden that can become unbearable, especially when one is screaming and the other is whining.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to lead these little men into developing admirable character when there’s poop in the Buzz Lightyear underwear and vomit in my hair!  It’s exciting and pleasant to talk about raising children who love others, act peacefully, and stand strong for the values that we believe in.  Yet it’s truly the nitty-gritty work to live it out each day, being aware of the learning opportunities, and modeling love and peace in the moments of each day.

Thankfully, it’s not up to me to develop my children into who they are called to be.  That’s the Lord’s job!  And I can only trust Him and obey Him in the ways that He’s called me to nurture these boys!

I’m learning that teaching my children is actually requiring more self-discipline from myself than I ever expected!

Because the real work is invisible.

It would be easier to find ways to make them do kind actions, but the real work is in guiding their hearts into kindness.
It would be easier to manipulate them to say the “right things”, but the real work would be raising kids who know the Truth deep in their hearts.
It would be easier to bribe them to obey, especially when people are watching, but the real work is in teaching the value of obedience.

I don’t really care if my children say the “right things” and do the “right things” if their hearts are not pure.
Nice manners and kind actions mean nothing to me if their hearts are filled with anger and resentment.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
I know that the nurturing of their hearts is far more important than manners, learning numbers or abc’s, or even potty training.

As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that they will know that they are loved, cherished, and heard.
As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that they will develop love and compassion.
As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that I will take greater care to nurture my own heart, too.

Like a camera zooming in to focus on the most important piece of a picture, I need to let my perspective focus in on their hearts, seeing them more and more clearly.  And less important things- like signing them up for lots of “activities”, waiting for the next developmental milestone, or even just cleaning the house- would fade out of focus.

Because as I value their hearts more than what they can do, I can have more patience, and I’ll be more capable of showing them God’s unconditional love.  As I value their hearts, maybe I can realize a little more each day, that God also values my heart, more than what I can do!

These children, the Lord has entrusted to my husband and me are priceless treasures that are going to change the world!  Each day and each moment, is an opportunity for them to grow into the godly men that the Lord has planned for them to be!  If it were up to me to shape them into these world-changing men, I would be crippled with fear and weighed down with such a daunting burden.  And to be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what the Lord has planned for them anyway!

Instead, I can embrace freedom in the knowledge that God alone can mold them into the individuals that He created them to be!  And I can trust that He’ll continue forming me, into the person He’s created me to be, too!

May15

Asking the Right Questions

Posted on by
Standard

Communicating with a toddler is one of the most entertaining pastimes I’ve ever had!

It can also be one of the most frustrating things in the world!
When he tells me something and I have no idea what he’s saying,
we have miscommunication.

Sometimes we, as adults, create miscommunication with toddlers when we expect them to read underlying messages.

When we ask, “Are you ready to go?”, we might be expecting them to say, “Yes” out of obedience rather than answering openly and honestly.  But really, is asking someone if they’re ready for something, a matter of obedience or disobedience?

I think that we can help our little ones

  • know that what they say really matters
  • avoid  getting in trouble unnecessarily
  • and communicate more clearly

when we carefully choose between questions and statements.

Check out my latest contribution on Mama Moderne, Asking the Right Questions.

joy:  Watching my Little Man growing up and carrying on his Nolanese conversations with everyone!

Feb7

Nolanese

Posted on by
Standard

Sometimes I’m convinced that my son has his own language.
He’s such a confident little guy, and when his mind is set on something, it is SET!
Nolan’s gumption is even apparent through the way he talks.

He’ll slightly raise his eyebrows with a little smirk in his cheeks.
Then he opens his mouth, using his lips, tongue, and teeth to show as much expression as possible:
Whoodalootie, badalooniechie, skabahmeedeelah, yabahdoodielowkee.  Kay?
Then a pause, waiting for your nod of agreement.

I can only imagine the stories that he’ll share when he can speak in a language that I understand!

For now, I’m enjoying listening to Nolanese and the English words that he’s quickly learning.

I know that it’ll be fun to look back on when he’s older, so I’ll list a few of my favorite English/Nolanese words here:

I love you=Way-oo

Blanket= Beeyah

Thank you= Nanoo

Please= Peas

Nemo= Memooo!

What’s that?= Wuhzaaahhh?

juice= joooooooo

eat= eeeeeeee

TV=  Tee

Mommy= Kayeee!  (I’m trying to ignore him when he calls me by my first name & encourage him to stick with “Mommy”.  It’s getting better.)

Duke (our dog)= DOOOOOOOO!

cookie=COOKIE!

Some of the words that he actually says fluently in English are
apple,
fish,
shoe,
hi,
bye,
cd,
eye,
bubble,
baby, &
cat.
And I was surprised to hear from his preschool teacher that he announced, “Watch this!” several times to show off a daring feat!

joy:  I’m almost bilingual!

Jan31

Our Explorer

Posted on by
Standard

Recently I came across this article on Focus on the Family’s website, It’s All Fun and Games.  It really just describes different toddler personalities.  But it definitely helped me understand my Little Man the Explorer better and helped me to consider his personality as I set expectations for him.

No matter what his personality is, Solomon and I expect Nolan to be respectful and well-behaved.  Before I realized that he has an innate passion to explore, I thought that “well-behaved” should be synonymous with sitting still and playing quietly with a toy.  Yet the reality is that if I try to force him to sit in one spot at almost any point in a day, he will conjure all of his will-power and strength to escape.

This boy was born to explore!  

So when it’s not necessary to be restrained for safety (like walking through a parking lot) or for manners (like eating dinner at a restaurant), I’ll usually let him wander, within boundaries.

While our house was being seen by potential buyers on Sunday, we went to a nearby coffee shop.  I was going to let Nolan sit in a “big chair” where I spread out crayons, a coloring book, snacks, and several other toys.  He couldn’t have been less interested.  Instead, he wandered around the shop,
making eye contact with people,
checking out the furniture,
showing off his toy dinosaur,
discovering corners and hallways,
and playing peek-a-boo with new friends.
As long as he stayed out from behind the counter, stayed out of danger, and didn’t bother anyone, we let our Explorer roam.

I’ve also learned that I can’t expect him to sit still if I have doctor appointment when we’re in one room for an extended period of time.  Other children with different personalities might be perfectly content with a bag of books and toys.  But Nolan is just better off with a babysitter, when possible.

Just as it’s helpful to consider a list of different toddler personalities, it’s also helpful to look at a list of parenting styles.  The blog, My Baby Coach, listed a few, Styles of Parenting, What’s Yours?  I think it’s great to decide what style we think is best, which we might lean toward subconsciously, and just be aware of both through the course of a day.

Before I discovered Little Man’s big personality, I probably expected myself to have one parenting style (authoritarian- “Sit still, because I said so”).  But now that he’s a toddler, his personality is more evident, and I can embrace a parenting style that seems better to me (authoritative- “Because I understand that you have to explore, and I want to keep you safe, you can explore within these boundaries”).

Have you altered your plans and expectations once you discovered your child’s personality?

joy: New friends that Nolan makes with his outgoing personality.  He encourages me to be more outgoing!

Jan24

“Bye-bye”

Posted on by
Standard

I’ve noticed that one of the most popular things that causes distress (or tantrums) in young kids is “leaving”.

Leaving the playground.
Leaving the toy in the room.
Leaving a friend’s house.
Leaving the bike in the trunk.  (That’s where we keep Little Man’s mini-bike since we don’t have a garage.)
Pretty much leaving any place or anything that is especially fun, can become more dramatic than the series finale of a soap opera.

So since I am all-about avoiding fits from my Little Man, while maintaining a place of loving authority, I have enforced the “bye-bye” ever since he was little bitty.

“Bath time is over.  Let’s say ‘bye-bye‘ to the bath toys.”
“It’s time to go home.  Let’s say ‘bye-bye‘ to our friends.”
“We’re going to the grocery store now.  Say ‘bye-bye‘ to the house and the dog.”
“I need to put the bike away now.  Say ‘bye-bye‘ to the bike.”

In my personal opinion, I think that it really helps children avoid some of the distress of leaving something they enjoy when they can verbally or physically (waving ‘bye bye’) initiate that separation.  Instead of being surprised by being pulled away from a favorite activity when it’s time to go, I believe that the words, “bye-bye” can be one of the earliest forms of vocabulary for young children to understand and imitate.  As they understand what’s happening, they won’t be quite as surprised when they’re taken away from that activity.  And as they begin to enjoy imitating sounds and words, they’ll learn that “When I say ‘bye-bye’, I have the power to leave something peacefully.”

Of course, these simple words won’t evade distress from every single “leaving” experience, ever.  I’m pretty sure there’s no suggestion in parenting that is guaranteed to work every time.  But from my experience with my strong-willed and opinionated, 20 month-old, I truly believe that we’ve avoided many tantrums by empowering him to understand and communicate to everyone that “I’m leaving now.  But I’ll see you again, soon!” All through those simple syllables, “bye-bye”.

joy:  A couple days ago, I told Nolan that we needed to say “bye-bye” to a ball that he found at church.  He said, “bye-bye”, put it down, and walked away!  I mean, it was a ball!!!!  I was a proud mama!

Oct30

The Hardest Way to Love On My Son: Discipline

Posted on by
Standard

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

I just LOVE loving on my boy.  The hugging and kissing and cuddling and playing and bragging on him is just plain ole FUN!  When the giggles and smiles abound, it’s pretty easy (and inescapable) to love on him by giggling and smiling back!  But when defiance or disobedience arise, it would be easier to just ignore it, dwell on his cuteness, and move on hoping that the unwanted behavior will just dissipate.  However, the truth is that the way I can really love on my son when he shows disobediance, is to identify it, and meet it with discipline.

Whether you call it behavior management, discipline, consequences, or even punishment, this stuff is an inevitable part of parenting.  It’s probably one of the most controversial topics among parents.  And I don’t know about you, but I avoid talking about our routines at home for fear of sounding too strict or too lenient, depending on who’s listening and what their opinions are.

Before our son was born, my husband and I talked about our expectations for him and how we would respond in different situations.  I felt pretty confident about following through with consequences, if necessary.  I mean, I taught 3rd grade and dealt with that stuff all the time.  I didn’t fear hurting my son’s feelings, because I knew that the standards I would hold him to, were ultimately for his own well-being.

It turns out, I am having a hard time after all with following through on these expectations consistently.  But it’s not because I’m afraid of hurting his feelings.  It’s because I’m tired.  Tired of saying, “No”, or “Don’t touch that”.  And most of the time, I’d rather complete what I’m doing than to make him sit in time-out for disobeying.  (Oops, I just told you part of our routine.  Please don’t judge me!)

So when I’m feeling tired of reinforcing the behavior that we expect from our son, I need to remind myself of the why’s behind it all.

  1. Many of the “rules” we set are there to protect him from danger or harm.
  2. As we stick to a routine to reinforce good behavior and (in some form) punish disobedience, we are giving our son a memory that “Mommy and Daddy mean what they say, and I’ll be better off to obey them the first time”.
  3. Children have boundaries.  And I believe that it’s helpful to them when the adults in their lives make those boundaries clear.  Even if they act upset about the boundaries, I truly believe that they actually appreciate knowing what they are.
  4. As we teach him about respect, he will learn to show respect to other authority figures in his life as well as friends, family and future relationships.
  5. As our son develops a habit of obedience, grows in full knowledge of our expectations and our consistency with following through, I’m hoping that it will make the pre-teen and teenage years that much easier.
  6. Through external discipline, I hope that our son develops internal self-discipline, which is a vital character trait to become successful and joyful in life.  In other words, I hope that he develops self-discipline to foster the gifts and talents that God has given him.
  7. My favorite reminder for nurturing respect and obedience in my son, is that it is ultimately strengthening his ability to respect and obey our Lord!
All of this isn’t only about my son’s obedience.  It’s also about my husband and me obeying the Lord in the ways that we train the child He’s entrusted to us.  And the funny thing is, it’s requiring more self-discipline from me, than from my child!
Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding. Proverbs 15:32
joy: Anticipating the great things the Lord has in store when I obey Him!