Category Archives: Kids

May21

Comfort vs. Character

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A series about entitlement on Pass the Bread got me thinking.

I don’t believe that we would intentionally choose to overindulge our children, but it can creep in.
I don’t think that we would  purposefully decide to let our kids feel entitled to things that they really haven’t earned, but it happens.
And sometimes it can be difficult to differentiate the best way to love them when there’s an opportunity for character development through discomfort.

Although there are many different circumstances that influence parenting, I believe that one of the biggest factors that feeds into entitlement in our culture is the glorification of comfort.  Actually, even in our adult lives, when we value comfort more than character development, we will feel more entitled to things that we haven’t actually earned.

For example, last night our Little Man gave us another opportunity to choose between comfort and character development.

Little Man: “Daddy, can I have a cookie?”IMG_3051
Daddy: “No.”
Little Man: “Mommy, can I have a cooke?”
Me:  ”What did Daddy say?”
Little Man:  ”He said ‘yes’.”
Daddy:  ”Nolan, you were not honest.  So you definitely do not get a cookie.”

It would’ve made him “comfortable” to get the treat that he wanted.  And it would’ve made me “comfortable” to give him the cookie so he would stop crying about it!  But my husband reminded me that this was an opportunity for character development.  In this scenario, I hope that our Little Man learned that we value HONESTY!

Another time, Little Man gave us an opportunity to show him that we value patience. While shopping at Target a couple weeks before his birthday, he saw rescue claw that he’d wanted for a long time.  So I tried to secretly put it in the basket to save for his birthday.
But he knew it was there.
And he knew that I bought it.
And he knew that it was at home.
But he also knew, that it was for his birthday.
So almost everyday leading up to his 3rd birthday, he’d ask, “Can I have the claw now?”
And each time, I’d respond, “Nope, it’s for your birthday.”

That claw was a fairly inexpensive toy.  It would’ve made him feel “comfortable” if I gave it to him early.  It would’ve made me feel “comfortable” to get him to stop asking about it!  But I’m hoping that in those 2 weeks (which probably felt like 2 months to him), he learned that PATIENCE is important to me.

We can’t really expect our kids to value things like patience, honesty, generosity, and kindness until they consistently see that we value them ourselves, anyways!

Everyday I have multiple opportunities to choose between comfort and character development for myself.

And everyday, my kids present multiple opportunities to show them that I value character development more than comfort.

It’s tough, and it’s usually not very clear that I’m basically deciding between these two things.  So entitlement and indulgence can stealthily creep in.

But my hope is that through the times when I show my kids love through quality time, words of affirmation, and bear hugs, they will have a secure bond in my love for them and God’s love for them, and be able to trust that the times when I choose character development over comfort for them, it’s really out of love.

May1

Invisible Work

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Nolan pushing Micah on swing

Growing up as a babysitter, working as a camp counselor, being a Sunday school teacher, and a 3rd grade school teacher, I’ve always been fascinated by child development and excited about the incredible window of opportunity that childhood offers!

Kids have always been important to me.  But now that I know two little boys who call me “Mommy”, I have a new capacity for love AND a greater amount of pressure to nurture these kids than ever before!

To see the brightest grin and wiggly arms and legs when I walk into the room,
To hear the “I wuv you”’s and unexpected tackles,
To receive slobbery, toothless bites on my chin and gentle forehead nuzzels,
To be the chosen audience for any little thing, “Mommy, watch this!”, “Mommy, look at this!”
All these things and infinite more just make my pores ooze with gratefulness to be somebody’s “Mommy”!

But let’s be real.  Although I’ve worked with kids for a long time, they’ve never brought me to the level of exhaustion, frustration, and disgust over bodily fluids that I’ve experienced  in the last few years of being a “Mommy”.  Just as I felt an incredible responsibility as a babysitter and teacher to make the most of every opportunity, I carry that much more sense of urgency in the lives of my own children!

Childhood is a time that can seem to take forever on an especially rough day, yet weeks and months can fly by in the blink of an eye.
Childhood is a time when little people collect experiences and create habits that will most likely shape who they are as adults.
It’s a time when their world views are being formed and hearts are being fashioned.

Being “Mommy” means stepping into the most influential role in the childhood of these two special people!
It’s a role that I feel unworthy to take on.
It’s a burden that can become unbearable, especially when one is screaming and the other is whining.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to lead these little men into developing admirable character when there’s poop in the Buzz Lightyear underwear and vomit in my hair!  It’s exciting and pleasant to talk about raising children who love others, act peacefully, and stand strong for the values that we believe in.  Yet it’s truly the nitty-gritty work to live it out each day, being aware of the learning opportunities, and modeling love and peace in the moments of each day.

Thankfully, it’s not up to me to develop my children into who they are called to be.  That’s the Lord’s job!  And I can only trust Him and obey Him in the ways that He’s called me to nurture these boys!

I’m learning that teaching my children is actually requiring more self-discipline from myself than I ever expected!

Because the real work is invisible.

It would be easier to find ways to make them do kind actions, but the real work is in guiding their hearts into kindness.
It would be easier to manipulate them to say the “right things”, but the real work would be raising kids who know the Truth deep in their hearts.
It would be easier to bribe them to obey, especially when people are watching, but the real work is in teaching the value of obedience.

I don’t really care if my children say the “right things” and do the “right things” if their hearts are not pure.
Nice manners and kind actions mean nothing to me if their hearts are filled with anger and resentment.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
I know that the nurturing of their hearts is far more important than manners, learning numbers or abc’s, or even potty training.

As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that they will know that they are loved, cherished, and heard.
As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that they will develop love and compassion.
As I value the hearts of my children, I hope that I will take greater care to nurture my own heart, too.

Like a camera zooming in to focus on the most important piece of a picture, I need to let my perspective focus in on their hearts, seeing them more and more clearly.  And less important things- like signing them up for lots of “activities”, waiting for the next developmental milestone, or even just cleaning the house- would fade out of focus.

Because as I value their hearts more than what they can do, I can have more patience, and I’ll be more capable of showing them God’s unconditional love.  As I value their hearts, maybe I can realize a little more each day, that God also values my heart, more than what I can do!

These children, the Lord has entrusted to my husband and me are priceless treasures that are going to change the world!  Each day and each moment, is an opportunity for them to grow into the godly men that the Lord has planned for them to be!  If it were up to me to shape them into these world-changing men, I would be crippled with fear and weighed down with such a daunting burden.  And to be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what the Lord has planned for them anyway!

Instead, I can embrace freedom in the knowledge that God alone can mold them into the individuals that He created them to be!  And I can trust that He’ll continue forming me, into the person He’s created me to be, too!

Sep27

Run!

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“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great could of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”
Hebrews 12:1

Sitting down at breakfast, this morning, I asked Little Man, “What did we forget to do?” Without hesitation, he answered, “Stacy’s house.”  (He has no problem telling us exactly what’s on his mind.)

The thing we forgot to do was pray.  So we held hands.  And after I prayed, “Dear God, you are our Lord.  We worship you.  Help us to walk in your way today.  Amen.” Little Man informed me,

“Mommy, Nolan RUN!”

Wow.  Sometimes my toddler really speaks truth and wisdom that makes me stop and think!

Little Man’s favorite thing to do is run, run, run!
He doesn’t run because he’s in a hurry.
He doesn’t even run to get to a particular point.
He runs because he’s filled with
energy,
joy,
and excitement
that can’t be contained!

If the race marked out for me was put their by my Loving Creator, who is with me along the way, cheering me on, and waiting at the finish line to catch me in His loving arms, then why wouldn’t I run with gusto?!

Let’s be honest, many days it’s tough to rally up any gusto whatsoever.  So where should I look when I want to “run with perseverance the race marked out for me”?

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:2

joy:  When Little Man starts running laps throughout the house, instead of getting annoyed, I’ll be reminded to run myself!

Sep26

And Then There Were Two

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The time has arrived:  I’ve been “Mommy” to 2 fabulous boys for almost 3 months now!

After spending several pregnant months wondering what it would be like to be in this position, now I can’t imagine it being any different!  And now that Baby Brother is almost 3 months old, and falling into somewhat of a routine, I feel like a real person again!  Hello sleep and the outside world!

Leading up to Baby Brother’s birth, the thing that I was most anxious about was Little Man’s favorite hobby:  Being in the Middle of Anything and Everything that Mommy is Doing.  I wondered if he would just lose his mind and consequently drive me absolutely crazy when my focus had to be taking care of Baby Brother almost constantly for the first couple of months!

It’s with a thankful heart and lots of joy that I can say: no one has (completely) lost their mind and no one has gone (totally) crazy!  I truly feel like the Lord blessed us in many ways, and I’m happy to report these unexpected blessings that have helped me transition into being a Mommy of 2 a little more smoothly than I expected!

  1. Extra Long Naps.  While Little Man normally naps about 1.5-2 hours, the first month that Baby Brother was home, he actually napped for 3 hours, and sometimes more!  We’re back to the normal length of naps, but that was the perfect time to have my toddler sleeping extra long.  Thank you, Lord!
  2. Imagination.  One afternoon, while my mom was here, she introduced Little Man to the world of imagination!  Together they wheeled our cooler around the house, stopping to knock at each door, selling “ice-cream” to the “neighbors”.  Ever since then, his imagination has expanded daily!  Whether he’s driving a “truck” on our bed or chasing a “train” in the front yard, I’m so thankful for all the fun he has, even when I can’t be completely involved.
  3. Playing with Toys.  This is actually a BIG deal to me.  You see, my older son has never actually been very interested in playing with toys at home!  Unless another child is playing with them, of course.  So as I’ve been feeding, changing, and rocking Baby Brother, he has to my surprise begun playing with his toys.  On His Own!  Thank you, Lord!
  4. Abby, the Imaginary Friend.  This summer, before Baby Brother was born, we spent time with some friends and their niece, Abby.  Apparently, she left a big impression on Little Man.  He still talks to her often!  Sometimes he carries her around like a baby.  Sometimes she’s too big to sit in the baby’s swing.  Sometimes she’s fallen, and he helps her.  But she’s always available to be his pal anywhere!
  5. Duke, the Dog.  When we got our puppy about a year ago, it was really like having an extra baby in the house!  While he often has spurts of crazy-puppy-energy, Duke is mostly a well-trained friend.  Little Man helps feed him, let him out, and gives him the greatest hugs!  I often have to pull them apart, like rowdy brothers.  But maybe that’s a good thing!

    I’m gradually able to give Little Man more focused time again, and I’m excited about that!  Yet while he holds onto this newly found imagination and independence, his capacity for joy is increasing!  I’m cherishing these sweet, precious moments with Baby Brother.  But I also look forward to the day when these two will play together!

    joy:  Maybe this new shift of focus onto Baby Brother, has actually given Little Man the space he needed to develop his imagination!

Jul23

Childbirth and Skydiving

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There’s something about childbirth that’s like sky-diving.
Well, I’ve never actually parachuted from a plane, but I’d imagine that the adventure encompasses emotions of fear, excitement, doubt, and joy!

As we approached the birth of our 2nd baby, I actually began looking forward to the adventure of labor and delivery.  The day he would be born- the weather, the circumstances, the timing, and everything that day- would become part of his birth story!  Our sweet Micah made his grand debut at 4:30am, Monday, July 2, 2012, and I definitely experienced all of those “sky-diving” emotions- fear, excitement, doubt, and joy.

Depending on what’s considered “labor”, this could’ve been an extremely long or a considerably short one.  I began feeling contractions on and off the Thursday before.  Then Sunday afternoon, they became more regular, about 15 minutes apart.  We were watching a Tyler Perry movie,  and I was rocking around on the exercise ball, hoping to get things going.  Who knew Madea could onset labor?!  Soon they were 8-10 minutes apart.

Some friends came over for the evening to play with Nolan just in case we had to book it to the hospital before my mom got in.  Although the contractions actually seemed to slow down, I was thankful for a toddler-free nap!  But when I got up, and back on the exercise ball, the contractions became a little more intense, every 8 minutes.  So my Hero, ready to take care of me, called my mom to come stay with our Little Man for the night.  It was looking like this would be the night!

Excitement: After 9 months of having this child growing inside me, I was more than ready to see his face and hold him in my arms!  This dream could be coming true this very night!

Fear:  From what I know and remember, labor and delivery is very intense and unpredictable!  Wondering about how smoothly this would go, I was aware that complications are always a possibility and pain is inevitable.

We went to bed around 10pm, knowing that we would need as much rest as we could get with the likely possibility that we’d be going to the hospital in the night!  With each contraction, I woke up, and timed it with an app on my phone.  (Yes, there really IS an app for everything!)

Around 1:30am, the contractions were 4-5 minutes apart and very intense.  Pounding my husband’s back, I gave him the not-so-vague cue: “We need to go to the hospital NOW!”  We scampered around to get shoes and luggage.  At one point I was crawling on my hands and knees out of the closet, determined to get things ready during a contraction.

Just like my last birth, I was planning to use the (husband coached) Bradley Method to help me make it through.  My amazing husband began his job in the car ride, coaching me in relaxation with each contraction.  By 2:15am, we were checked into a room, and I was in a lovely hospital gown, answering random medical questions, and experiencing contractions that were growing stronger and stronger.

At the initial exam, I was 1 cm dilated and 90% effaced.  NOT very encouraging since I expected the irregular contractions that started 4 days earlier to have been more effective.  However I was checked 1 hour later: 5 cm!  Whew!  These unbearable contractions really ARE doing something!  And 1 hour after that: 8-9 cm with urges to push!

Doubt: When labor became really serious and uncomfortable, I changed my mind and wanted to get out of being in labor, get out of being pregnant.  With each contraction, I wanted to get out of my skin!  But my amazing husband would make eye contact with me, help me to focus, and as I relaxed, it wasn’t unbearable anymore.  (It’s amazing how much focus it takes to simply relax during labor!)

“She says she has to push!” he called out to the nurses.  They paged the doctor, and it seemed that instantly everything was set up for delivery, even a bed for the baby in the corner of the room!

Since our first son’s birth took about 10 hours after being checked into the hospital, I was thrilled about getting to the “pushing” only 2 hours after arrival!  That excitement along with my handsome birth-coach helped me remain hopeful through the fierce contractions!

Once the doctor “allowed” me to start pushing, I waited for the first contraction and pushed, not quite as hard as I could have.  In between contractions, I rested and looked at the doctor and all the nurses in the room, anxiously waiting.  With the 2nd contraction, he was already crowning!  Even though he was so close to being born, I waited for the next contraction to do anything.  It seemed like the longest pause I’ve ever experienced!  Finally, with the 3rd contraction and jaw-clenched push, sweet Micah Robert was born!

Joy:  I can hardly believe that this precious child is ours!  The Lord has entrusted this incredible gift into our family!  I’m in awe of our Creator’s design and humbled to be this child’s Mommy.

Jun21

1 boy + 1 boy = my 2 kids

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We’re in the waiting zone now!
Less than 2 weeks before the due date, July 4th.
He would be full-term and healthy being born any day now.
I’m getting more uncomfortable and anxious to meet this little dude!
It’s time.  Come on little guy!

During a lot of this pregnancy, I’ve been busy and rarely stopped to think about the fact that I’ll be “Mommy” to two boys soon.  When I did,  it was overwhelming!  My analytical tendencies surfaced as I contemplated how I would logistically make it through each day.  Between meals, diapers, errands, laundry, even just getting in and out of the car.  How does this all work?

I know that many many mamas do it all the time, and with even more children!  But how?!  One mother of 3 mentioned in conversation that “You just can’t be in a hurry.”  I’ve already begun to take her advice this summer.  As unexpected moods and situations arise from my Little Man, I’m not annoyed quite so much about postponing my plans.

But the greatest change in my perspective has come from seeing these 2 boys (one of which I’m anxiously waiting to meet) as unique individuals whom I have the privilege of discovering more about each day!

Rather than feeling like I have to figure how out a person would manage being “Mommy” to 2,
I’m going to focus on:

1 precious two-year old becoming a big brother, having a vocabulary that’s growing exponentially, taking care of the dog more everyday, becoming capable of even more games & physical activities, learning daily how to be a loving friend and a respectful son.

1 precious new baby, discovering the world, daily experiencing “firsts” of everything, being loved by a big brother, quickly growing, and receiving oodles of love through cuddles and kisses.  I can’t wait to see what he looks like and what kinds of expressions he’ll make!

When this baby brother is born, let’s see if I can let go of the pressure of being a perfect mother to 2, and just adoringly focus on 1 unique, individual toddler and 1 unique, individual new baby.

It’s not about the 2.
It’s about 1 + 1.

joy:  Nolan leaning into my belly to talk to his baby brother, “Hi Miyac!  Whey ooo!”  [Hi Micah, I love you.]

Jun4

June is for Slowing Down

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The past several months had become pretty busy for me.

Teaching preschool.
Tutoring.
Babysitting.
Training a puppy (and a toddler).
Cleaning the house (almost) daily to have it ready for showings.
Selling our house.
Buying our house.
MOVING!
And then last month, I traveled every weekend.  And out of state a couple times.

Now it’s June.
School is out.
We’re in our new home.
I don’t have any trips planned at all.
Did I mention, our baby’s due date is in exactly one month from today?!

So my June calendar is looking a bit uncharacteristic of how it normally does.
BLANK!
Of course, each week, I end up having daily plans to get settled in our home a little more, get ready for the baby a little more, spend time with friends, and attempt to make it a fun summer for our Little Man.

But I’m also realizing that moving into this new phase of life- having our 2nd baby and relinquishing many of my former commitments,
that I’ll once again have to force myself to SLOW DOWN.

It actually takes more effort from myself to not plan an entire day from beginning to end.

Moving into this new phase of life, being Mommy to 2 little boys, I’m sure that busy days will come and go.
But as much as it’s in my control, my plan is to give these young guys slow, fun days at home or with friends, where they can just be kids.
Where they can explore, and take pleasure in the little things.
Where they can talk to Mommy, and know that they are heard.
Where they can be still and think, or run wild and sing.
Where they can learn to share and consider others.

I need a mental transition, starting this summer.
From planning each day to be as productive and as efficient as possible,
to realizing that a slow day with my boys could be the most purposeful and important accomplishment of all!

joy: June is for special, quality time with Little Man, before he becomes a big brother.

May15

Asking the Right Questions

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Communicating with a toddler is one of the most entertaining pastimes I’ve ever had!

It can also be one of the most frustrating things in the world!
When he tells me something and I have no idea what he’s saying,
we have miscommunication.

Sometimes we, as adults, create miscommunication with toddlers when we expect them to read underlying messages.

When we ask, “Are you ready to go?”, we might be expecting them to say, “Yes” out of obedience rather than answering openly and honestly.  But really, is asking someone if they’re ready for something, a matter of obedience or disobedience?

I think that we can help our little ones

  • know that what they say really matters
  • avoid  getting in trouble unnecessarily
  • and communicate more clearly

when we carefully choose between questions and statements.

Check out my latest contribution on Mama Moderne, Asking the Right Questions.

joy:  Watching my Little Man growing up and carrying on his Nolanese conversations with everyone!

Apr25

Casualties in Moving

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“No one is hurt……..BUT……”

Have you ever gotten that kind of a phone call.  Or maybe you’ve been the one to make the call.

Luckily, I haven’t had to make many of those calls.  But now that we’re in the toddler phase with Little Man, I have a feeling that it’ll be happening more.

I was shocked to find that Little Man got into my lipstick and managed to smear it along the back door and a couple walls when we’d only been in our new house for less than a week.  But after the latest incident, lipstick doesn’t seem so bad after all!

Although we quickly unpacked almost all of our boxes, we’re waiting to get settled in more before we start decorating.  So currently, our dining room is a little shop of our own decorations to begin with.  Also, we were going to wait until last weekend to hang up the full-size mirror in the master bedroom.  It’s wasn’t just any mirror.  This thing was HUGE.  It was really more like a heavy piece of furniture, that would appear to be propped against the wall, but would actually be mounted into that position.

You may be wondering why I’m talking about this gorgeous, framed mirror in past tense.  And you can probably guess what the answer is…….Little Man.  (I would’ve preferred that he’d stuck with playing in lipstick!)  Before mounting the mirror, we kept it propped up with the mirror side facing the wall.  As I was organizing our closet last Friday, Little Man was working hard, too.

He managed to get between the mirror and the wall, and push that ginormous piece of furniture!

A corner of the frame crashed into the wall, leaving a nasty gash.
The back of the mirror crashed onto the bedside table and shattered!

Tragic.

One of our favorite pieces of furniture.

Destroyed.

This Little Man didn’t set out to be destructive.  He just happened to show off his strength in a place and a way that we never expected!

I would’ve taken a picture to share, but it was too sad to capture.

So I’ll keep telling myself a phrase that I’ll probably have to get more and more familiar with.

“It’s only a thing.”

joy: Beginning to imagine something new to go in its place.

Mar14

My Proudest “Mommy Moments” Might Surprise You

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It’s no secret, I’m extremely proud of my son.
I wrote about how I’ve been beaming with pride in him ever since he was an infant & before here.
And now that he’s almost 2, it is truly amazing to witness the velocity at which he learns words, figures out how to do things on his own, and communicates a sophisticated sense of humor!

Little Man’s name, Nolan, actually means “noble”.
And the moments that make me the most joyful & proud are when he demonstrates noble character.
I’m looking forward to all the ways that he will fulfill the meaning of his name through the developing of his character over the years.
But as an almost-2-year-old, I’m already seeing a strong and respectable character.

I see kindness when he doesn’t fuss about another child taking his toy.
(Although those moments are few, each one is a victory!)
I see thoughtfulness when he brings me a blanket and a pillow while I’m sitting on the couch.
I see generosity when he insists on sharing his snack with Daddy.
I see a tender heart when he slows down from his hustle & bustle to lean over, put his arm around my head to sneak in a kiss on his cheek.

And at this age, the greatest achievement (which I hope he notices how big I celebrate) is:

OBEDIENCE.

When he chooses to obey Mommy or Daddy, when he’d really rather not, he is

developing self-discipline,

creating a sense of respect, 

and increasing his capacity to respect & obey the Lord.

I think this character trait (obedience) is extremely valuable at this age, an age when my toddler is beginning to realize that he can choose to obey or disobey.  He can choose to come when I call him, or run the other way.  He can choose to put the phone down, or keep playing with it.

That’s why I throw a little “party” for him with almost every obedient action at this stage:
“YAY!  You obeyed Mommy!!!!  I’m SO proud of you!!!!” (accompanied with a huge hug and kiss).

I’m hoping that he notices how I value his heart of kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, and obedience even more than his abilities to run, jump, and reach all these impressive milestones.  So as he grows up, maybe he, too, will treasure people and character development more than things and accomplishments.

Parenting is no easy task.  I’m trusting our faithful God to guide us on this journey, and I love imagining the incredible plans that He has for our children!

joy:  This boy has “Big Brother” written all over him!